Không thể có con nhưng đừng để vợ cô đơn

5 năm qua tôi đã giữ tuổi xuân của vợ, đã làm vợ tổn thương. Phụ nữ là vậy, khi họ buông sẽ không bao giờ quay đầu lại.

 

– Tôi 35 tuổi, lập gia đình được 5 năm, có người vợ kém 5 tuổi ngoan, hiền, ngoại hình không quá xinh nhưng cơ bản dễ nhìn và có duyên. Em sinh ra trong một gia đình gia giáo và nề nếp, có nhiều tài lẻ, nấu ăn ngon, may vá khéo. Tôi cũng được cho là một chàng trai tạm ổn, hình thức khá, công việc ổn định và khá ga lăng. Tôi từng có nhiều mối tình trước khi yêu em nhưng khi xác định yêu tôi muốn tiến tới hôn nhân. Em ngoan hiền nhưng đôi khi tôi lại cảm thấy nhạt nhẽo, em im lặng nhường nhịn tôi lại thấy không có một sự phá cách. Cũng chẳng biết khi đó là gì nữa, có lẽ tình yêu tôi dành cho em chưa đủ lớn, phải chăng tôi chọn em vì đó là sự lựa chọn an toàn cho hôn nhân?

– Tôi thấy em hay khóc, đôi khi cảm thấy quá ủy mị, tôi mệt mỏi. Hai năm vợ chồng tôi vẫn chưa có con, nhìn em tôi thấy đôi chút chạnh lòng. Em u sầu và ít nói, có những đêm cố đợi tôi về, trong cơn say tôi vẫn nghe văng vẳng câu em nói “Em thấy cô đơn lắm”, cái từ cô đơn đấy tôi thấy em lặp đi lặp lại nhiều lần mỗi khi vợ chồng to tiếng. Có thể giữa tôi và em không có sự đồng điệu, cả hai đều đang cố gắng vì những lý do riêng của mình. Hôn nhân không con cái, không có sợi dây ràng buộc, em buồn tôi cũng buồn, tâm trạng không khá hơn.
– Chẳng hiểu tại sao mỗi khi nghe vợ nói, kêu than rồi khóc lóc tôi thấy mệt mỏi vô cùng.Vợ bảo tôi vô tâm, thờ ơ, em luôn có cảm giác một mình trong cuộc hôn nhân này. Mỗi ngày đi làm về đối với tôi thật nặng nề, nhìn ánh mắt vợ, cái cách em nhìn tôi như một bầu trời u ám. Không có con là do tôi, bản thân tôi cũng không sung sướng gì, nhưng có lẽ trên hết chính là sự vô tâm tôi dành cho vợ, sự vô tâm mà tôi nghĩ không có gì to tát cả. Tôi nghĩ với người như vợ sẽ không bao giờ dám bung ra.
– Thế mà tôi đã đi hết ngạc nhiên này đến ngạc nhiên kia khi em dần dần không nói nhiều với tôi nữa, rồi em dùng rượu. Điều mà tôi tin chắc một người như em sẽ không hay uống, vậy mà giờ đây tôi nhìn thấy em ngủ trên giường nhưng phảng phất mùi rượu. Tôi chẳng thể nói được gì, nhiều lần sau đó phát hiện ra em gần như nghiện rượu. Tôi đã phải vất vả để nói chuyện, hỏi em tại sao. Em khóc nhìn tôi, nói rất cô đơn, chọn rượu là bạn đôi khi cũng thấy mệt vì người bạn này. Nhưng em lại thấy ngủ ngon khi uống, mọi chuyện buồn phiền quên đi hết. Thời điểm đấy vợ tôi đã gầy đi 7kg trong vòng chưa đầy 2 tháng, đôi mắt trũng sâu, không hồn, cộng với thân hình gầy gò.
– Những người bạn, chẳng biết họ đã nói gì và làm gì nhưng thời gian sau đó vợ tôi không còn uống rượu nữa. Em sẵn sàng cãi ngang với tôi. Hôn nhân của vợ chồng tôi dần đi vào ngõ cụt. Tôi ức chế với những điều đó thì vợ lại có vẻ hả hê. Giờ 5 năm rồi vợ chồng tôi chưa có con, tôi vẫn vậy, nhưng vợ đã khác, em không còn quan tâm nhiều đến cảm xúc của tôi, luôn nói với tôi rằng “Gieo gió ắt sẽ gặp bão. Anh đã đối xử không tốt với em thì bây giờ đừng bao giờ đòi hỏi ở em. Em từng yêu anh, tình yêu đó đã chết, em không quan tâm anh đang làm gì, đi với cô nào, nhắn tin cho ai. Giờ em chỉ cần anh mang tiền về cho em, thế thôi. Nếu như không thể tiếp tục hãy giải thoát cho nhau”.
– Tôi đã mất ngủ nhiều, suy nghĩ về vợ. Em như ngày hôm nay lỗi lớn là tại tôi. Đừng nghĩ chỉ khi “trai trên gái dưới” mới là cặp bồ, chỉ cần một tin nhắn đẩy đưa thôi các anh đã mất đi niềm tin từ vợ giống như tôi. Chỉ cần không biết lắng nghe, cảm thông thì mọi điều tốt trong gia đình sẽ chấm hết. Tôi viết lên đây không phải để nhận gạch đá mà chỉ muốn được nói cho nhẹ lòng. 5 năm qua tôi đã giữ tuổi xuân của em, đã làm em tổn thương; phụ nữ là vậy, khi họ buông sẽ không bao giờ quay đầu lại.

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